Fuelling the Modern Man

What a US Cabinet made up of WWE stars would look like

Actually, this looks pretty capable of running the country…

Josh Butler
Published 14th November 2016

Donald Trump has already begun the process of selecting his United States cabinet in preparation for his first term in power, and one name in particular has got people raising their eyebrows.

According to reports, The Donald is apparently set to select former WWE CEO Linda McMahon, perhaps better known as Vince McMahon’s wife, as Secretary for Commerce.

She’s perhaps most recognisable for her appearances leading up to and during Wrestlemania 2000, where she backed Mick Foley in the pay-per-view’s main event fatal-four-way match.

In reality, she’s been married to the WWE chairman for nearly four decades, having served as a CEO herself within the company, and has previous history with political dalliances. She ran for Senate in 2010 and also served on the Connecticut Board of Education.

And this got us thinking. Trump and the McMahons have a close relationship, with The Donald appearing at Wrestlemanias VII and XX, and Trump Plaza hosting the IV and V editions.

So what would the cabinet look like if Trump took the McMahons advice in choosing his secretaries?

Secretary of State – William Regal


Foreign affairs requires a delicate touch; you can’t have some brash, motor-mouthed slab of meat in charge. Oh no. You need the refinement of a man born on this side of the pond.

Step forward William Regal, who’s successfully served as General Manager and Commissioner within the WWE, and would be perfect in liaising with matters farther afield. Like where to procure the best tea.

Secretary of the Treasury – The Million Dollar Man


Who else is better equipped to deal with large sums of money than a man whose name contains a direct reference to large sums of money? He even has dollar signs stitched onto his lapels! He’s tailor-made for the role.

He founded the Million Dollar Corporation, which at the height of its powers, boasted the likes of Bam Bam Bigelow, Sycho Sid and Steve Austin. Just don’t let him settle monetary disputes with actual wrestling matches as he tends to lose those. Spectacularly.

Secretary of Defence – Stone Cold Steve Austin


They call him the “toughest SOB in the WWE” for good reason. If you’re going to go to war, there’s only one man you want leading you. In fact, we’d wager he’s already got the perfect slogan emblazoned on his vest top.

And in true American fashion, Stone Cold doesn’t do diplomacy. Hostile threats are dealt with accordingly: flip the finger, hit them with a chair, give them a Stone Cold Stunner. End of discussion.

Attorney General – Triple H


Triple H has all the credentials to warrant the responsibility of dealing with law enforcement and legal affairs. He may well spend more time in a suit these days, but he still solves disputes the only way he knows how. Hitting people with his sledgehammer.

A genuine badass who’s made the transition into the corporate regime, Triple H would ensure the prison system operates efficiently and the United States’ legal affairs are handled succintly. Any messing and the sledgehammer is called for.

Secretary of Homeland Security – Hulk Hogan


Americans like to feel safe, especially on their own soil. And nothing screams safety like a huge, mustachioed man who plays a Stars and Stripes guitar and leg drops anyone who crosses him.

Forget the threat of terrorism, or this alleged tidal wave of illegal immigrants, the only thing that’s going to run wild in the US is Hulkamania. Whatcha gonna do about that, brother?

Secretary of Education – The Rock


With a vocabulary as broad as The Rock’s, the future of the United States’ children is in safe hands. He doesn’t stand messin’ off any jabronis, and he has the charisma to imbue every child in every state with an unassailable feeling of self-confidence.

He’ll also pledge to beat the monkey-ass of every bully in the land, and he’s a dab hand in the kitchen too, meaning home economics could be about to take an upturn.

Secretary of Health and Human Services – The Undertaker


Quite possibly the man to completely streamline healthcare across the entire US. High temperature? Bury ’em alive. Suspected broken leg? Bury ’em alive. Heart palpitations? Bury ’em alive.

If by any chance he accidentally buries someone quite important, he’s an undead supernatural mortician, so he can simply dig ’em back up and bring ’em back to life. Easy as you like.