Fuelling the Modern Man

Jennifer Lawrence reckons she could’ve made it as a stripper

We can only imagine what that would’ve been like…

Josh Butler
Published 24th November 2016
17
SHARES

Ah, Jennifer Lawrence. What’s there not to love? She’s gorgeous, she’s blessed with a staggeringly quick wit, she can sing surprisingly well and, despite her appearances in the X-Men franchise, she makes excellent films.

But, according to a recent interview she did with Vanity Fair, she could have been every lonely male’s dream when she was asked, “What would you be doing if you weren’t acting?”

Her first answer – “Laying in a ditch” – apparently wasn’t good enough for the editor at Vanity Fair, so when pressed further, she answered without a jot of hesitation: “Stripping.”

For a heartbeat, you could almost hear the collective inhalation of every 18-year-old male sat in their parents’ basement across the United States. We know who you are! And don’t go trying to boycott her film career, either, so she has to fall back on her ‘Plan B’.

However, Jennifer Lawrence got us thinking a bit more. Which famous actors and actresses could we see occupying less glamorous roles? We had a little think and came up with this.

Liam Neeson – Bouncer

With his gruff Irish charm and propensity for beating the sh*t out of anyone that mildly irritates him, Liam would be a hit guarding the doors of swanky, high-end late-night establishments. No, we’re not talking a 24-hour Asda.

neeson

The ladies would profit from that fatherly aura he exudes, safe in the knowledge that if they were his daughter, he’d kill anyone who’d even glance in their direction for a second. While for the men, cross him and you’d be in the boot of his car with the oil rag stuffed in your mouth and your hands bound with zip-ties.

Emma Watson – University lecturer

There’s no getting around the fact that the nation’s favourite actress is smart. Astonishingly smart. You don’t study at Brown and Oxford unless you’re extremely intelligent or have a lot of money. In this case, we reckon it’s the former that got her in – she’s not related to the Trumps.

watson

And with Watson behind the lecturers’ podium, we can practically guarantee attendances would sky-rocket. Stick her in the 9am slot, and you’ll have students scrambling from their beds to get to class, no matter how hungover they are. Well, we would be, anyway.

Michael Caine – Black cab driver

We’re talking one of the friendly ones here, not the “I don’t go South of the river after 9pm, mate” types. With his soothing cockney lilt, he’d make your cab ride both calming and entertaining, as he regaled you with tales about that time he almost pulled of a spectacular heist in Italy.

caine

Sure, you might not want to trust his driving skills, especially along winding scenic roads, but Caine’s a national treasure. And he’s so rich, we reckon he’d only charge you a bob or two for a fare.

Kristen Stewart – Record shop assistant

She’s got that look about her, that edgy sort of nonchalance that promises she doesn’t give a single sh*t about helping you find that album you’re after because she probably reckons it’s crap anyway.

ks

Chewing on her gum, she’ll dare you with a single brooding look to even mention Twilight, before slapping the record back on the counter and demanding payment. Also, don’t mention that’s the only look her face is capable of pulling. In every scene. Ever.

Harrison Ford – That cool old bloke who sits at the end of the bar in your local

No, not the kind that thinks Farrage is the answer to Britain’s problems, but the one just behind him; the one that always has an engrossing story to tell and will regale you in dramatic fashion while sipping on a rum and coke.

Harrison Ford, a cast member in "42," poses at the Los Angeles premiere of the film at the TCL Chinese Theater on Tuesday, April 9, 2013 in Los Angeles. (Photo by Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP)

As you listen in awe to the time he helped blow up a floating military station or fled a giant boulder inside a long-lost temple, you’ll realise: wait a minute, he’s 74 and he’s wearing an earring! This bloke is bloody cool.